Socially Distanced and Socially Exhausted
Yesterday was the first day in the past week that I didn’t have a scheduled phone call, video chat, or virtual hang out. Since social distancing started nearly two weeks ago, my afternoons and evenings have been filled with time spent chatting with family and friends, near and far, old and new, as we catch up on the details of our lives in a well-intentioned attempt to maintain a sense of connection in the midst of a global pandemic.
Don’t get me wrong –I love my family and friends with every bit of me and I thoroughly enjoy these conversations, I really do. I am beyond grateful to have a good group of folks to call on and chat it up with in times like this.
But the truth is (and I’m hesitant to actually admit this)… I am socially exhausted.
How is this even possible? I live alone in an apartment in a city where I have zero family members. I’ve hardly had any in-person interactions with people in the past week. I’m an extrovert who recharges by being around people and craves connection –or at least that’s what I have always thought about myself. And for crying out loud, one of my love languages is touch!
Yet during this prolonged period without face-to-face interaction with the people I enjoy seeing regularly, I honestly feel overwhelmed.
I get that this isn’t the case for everyone and might sound like a made up problem. I also realize the privilege I’m speaking from as there are way worse problems right now, such as those suffering from COVID-19 (some of whom I know personally), those who are dealing with significant losses of income, and the essential workers who have to work hard each day on the frontline of this pandemic to keep our country alive and running. My heart is with you all and I am praying for you daily. Your strength is incredibly inspiring to me.
I am only writing this in an attempt to understand why I feel this way and what I can do differently to move from socially exhausted to socially engaged. I’m sharing it as a blog in case it might help someone else out too.
Let’s talk about why I feel this way by rewinding to pre-quarantine Vinessa.
Pre-quarantine Vinessa lived a very social life. I work in HR (human resources), so naturally my day job lends itself to a lot of talking and human interaction. Whether it’s presenting to groups of people, back to back meetings that should have been emails, or stopping by a coworker’s desk for a quick chat, I’m pretty much interacting with people all throughout the day on a typical day at work.
Outside of work, I keep busy by staying engaged with friends through happy hours, game nights, dinners, day parties… you name it, I’m there. I also play in an adult volleyball league, exercise regularly at F45, serve at my church, and attend a weekly bible study (or connect group as my church calls it!). Most days fly right by me and I feel like I never spend enough time at home.
My life has always been jam-packed with a rotating schedule of events and activities that matter to me. These commitments revolve around my hobbies and interests and provide a structure for me to engage with and strengthen the relationships I have formed over time.
But what I am realizing is that even before this global pandemic, pre-quarantine Vinessa was already experiencing various forms of burnout. And while I have learned how to say “no” and prioritize myself more in recent months, the burnout that comes from social exhaustion is an area of my life that, as an extrovert, can routinely creep up on me if I don’t check in with myself from time to time.
As news started breaking about COVID-19, I started to wonder what might happen. What would our government’s response be? Was our public health infrastructure prepared for the rapid spread of the virus? How would this impact businesses and jobs, including my own? Fear and concern about the rapidly developing situation sent and continues to send waves of anxiety to me almost daily.
Then came the local guidelines to practice social distancing and shelter in place. While the extrovert in me was uneasy about how this would impact my sanity, I readily welcomed the idea of finally having a ton of “free time” to do all the things I had been meaning to do but never get the chance to do because, well, I’m always around people. Things like learning new songs on the piano and guitar, writing in my journal, catching up on Netflix shows, studying the Bible, enjoying a cup of tea on my balcony, reading the articles I’ve had bookmarked for months, and even starting to blog again!
However, I’ve quickly come to the realization that I actually don’t have more free time now than I did before. This is the same amount of time that I’ve always had.
What’s different is that instead of spending 40 hours a week at my physical office, I am spending 40 hours a week working from home. What I choose to do in the free time I have on weekday evenings and on the weekends has always been up to me. And still is.
With the social pressure of having to attend my usual weekly line up of engagements and the spontaneous invites that pop up during the week completely gone, you would think I’d use all this free time to do all those things on the list of things I never get to do right? Not quite. I’ve only replaced them with other forms of social interaction. Even more social interaction, actually. In fact, I have spent more time on my phone than ever before — 8 hours and 24 minutes per day on average to be exact. Yikes!
Cue in the social exhaustion.
I have found myself avoiding opportunities to communicate with people I care about, being disengaged when on a video chat, or even rushing people off the phone. This is not good and this is not the kind of person I am or want to be –especially during a time when communication with others has never been more vital.
So from here on out, social distancing or not, I am giving myself some helpful tips and reminders to help me be more socially engaged and less socially exhausted:
· It’s okay to space out and strategically schedule social commitments. It’s tempting to pencil a friend in as soon as possible when they reach out to set up a call. But just like how having back to back social commitments can be exhausting, so can having back to back calls –even if they’re only a few hours or a day apart. It’s okay to give myself the time I need in between.
· I am in control of what I do in my free time. The reason why it seems like I never have free time to do the things I want to do is because I haven’t been doing a good job managing my free time. Not before and certainly not now. Having free time doesn’t mean I am available or easily accessible during all of that time. I can use free time to connect with people or I can use it to watch a movie alone. Or both if I manage my time well. The point is that neither choice is better than the other. What’s important is striking a healthy balance in how I spend my free time, be it with others or with myself.
· Not everything requires an immediate response. Although I do love a good meme, some insta DMs can simply wait. When it comes to text messages, it doesn’t benefit the person on the other end if I give a rushed, thoughtless response for the sake of being quick. I can wait to return a missed call once I’m actually in the position to have a meaningful conversation. And I shouldn’t feel bad during the time in between.
· Do not disturb exists for a reason. I have no problem using “Do No Disturb”, but what good is using this function on my iPhone if I pick up my phone every 5 seconds? Apparently I pick up my phone an average of 70 times in a day, despite having it on “Do Not Disturb” all day. During the times when I’d like to focus on an activity I’m doing, I have to make a conscientious effort to put my phone down and not pick it up until I’m finished with what I’m doing. Or even better, just put my phone in a different room.
· Respect how I feel and communicate that. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to be social and that’s okay. Or after 30 minutes of chatting, my short attention span shifts into high gear and my mind starts drifting elsewhere. I can communicate to family and friends when I’m not feeling up to it, even if we’re already on the phone and even if I have nothing better to do. I should trust that they will understand and not hold it against me.
With these reminders in place I hope to better navigate how I handle the importance of connection during this time of social distancing. Even more so, I hope to continue with these reminders long after this situation is under control.
I truly love and value the people in my life so much and have thoroughly enjoyed all of the various forms of interaction I’ve been having since this whole thing started. So to my friends and family, please continue reaching out to me. Seriously. I want to keep connecting and communicating. I need it.
In the meantime, I’ll be taking a more active approach as I transition from being socially exhausted to socially engaged by implementing these reminders that I’ve listed.
I hope this is helpful for whoever needs it. Or maybe I’m just the only one, who knows. I’m curious, have you experienced social exhaustion before? Are you experiencing it now? What helps you get back in balance?
I would love to hear!
